miserable :: guilty

i don't know where to start today...

oh well, my heart sank right now... feel miserable and guilty a lot not only for myself but people around me. sometimes i always receive a lot of critics and complaints about my life style, even those who are either closer to me or strangers. BUT did they understand how hardships i have gone thru all these years? i just survive for many years, this is because of my strength and positive mindset which are driving me to fight till today although there are still challenging my life to unlimited levels which another people may not survive any longer...

i knew this is strange but what to do? i knew there are a plenty of choices... so? i have chosen this path and i have to go this way unless something really challenges my super patiences! i knew i have wasted for 10 years just for this silly life although i have happy, bitter, sweet and sour memories altogether these years...

i knew i can not be sighing all these times... there are a lot of unfortunate people, couldn't compared to my problems. i should be thankful for this life although i am slightly unfortunate. i don't know how to describe it.

for those who are closer to me, eg. my family? we had lived together since we were born to this world until today. our livings have changed due to grow more families and etc. yeah, i got married at young age. i had lived separately with my family to stay a far place although i was not happy everyday. everyday, i always cried when thinking of my family. frankly speaking, i had never stayed apart from my family in my life apart from living in the school hostel but it was temporarily periods, less than a year. i lived in a far place for 1-2 years, was not used with the new life with a spouse (my then boyfriend)...

we had almost quarreled everyday and was not happy with that life. i felt ashamed. i can't tell my problems to my family instead of telling how happy i was. i knew that was fake!!!! i didn't know how to tell them because i was the one who ran away with my then boyfriend that time and had a child with him. got married immediately afterward. so the life totally changed since then.

for those who don't know how exactly did i live for those years in another state?

very lonely :: very boring :: very unhappy :: my mind was blank

i always missed my family, wanted to go back to my family side...

BUT there always stopped me to go back!

there was once we quarreled, i almost wanted to dump him but he begged me back.

maybe because that time i was too young and naive.

so it happened.

and...

oh well, my sins can't be forgiven!

but this is past.

looking at the current life right now...

he always blames me in everything and anything...

yet i still patient and surviving just for my children NOT for him...

okay, i just let whatever he is bitch-ing.

because throughout his age is catching up, his attitudes have never changed to better ones... but creates more troubles on me... sounds like i bring him a lot of troubles and problems, etc.

does he respect me as his wife?

looking at this case which has just happened yesterday night - he lost tempers, broke the chair, throw the clothes hanging stand...

i was freaking mad but i never started to argue with him. he started! my children could be the witness on this whole story.

oh well, it's confirmed that he really can't be a good husband and daddy!

he never admits on whatever he had done, sounds like he did the right one.

okay i just let it be... i am surrender at times and he is the winner in whole stories...

i think one of those days he will be receive the punishments! really...

GOD knows this.

my children and I just live as usually, without him we are much better and happier. yeah this is a fact.

xxx