a few hours later, we will bid a good bye for 2012...
happening many memories :: happy, sad, sweet, bitter...
i hope this New Year would brings me more brighter sides and let's fight for the future...
i have a lot of dreams which i haven't chased yet because there's always stopping me...
this time i hope i can determine to fight my dreams!
:)
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
hard to breathe
when thought about the past, it is really unbelievable indeed...
am sure everyone thinks why i still stay till today as they had spoken if someone's attutides can't change then they sure leave her/him for goods... looks at him, how fortunate he is because no matter what happens, i still stand by him...
how silly i am, i supposed to teach him a lesson! but i didn't... that's why he could bully me terribly that everyone doesn't know how he treated me. sometimes i damn pissed off the way he treated me all these times...
i am super patient... very patient... BUT i am a weak person, i need someone to support, care, love and will be there for me whenever i feel unhappy or etc... these things, he never did but insulted me sometimes or didn't care me at all as he thought this is a common thing to him, so he doesn't need to care me at times.
everyday we come home, all the times he could face the pc or smartphone to surf the internet, play games or watching the entertainments. i hardly to get online at pc as i am always busier... come home already start to get prepare the dinner, doing the laundry and etc... he doesn't help me at all, he just complains this and there... he never revises with the children which the daddy should does the duty to educate the kids. he sets a bad example to our children such like playing ipod, facebook, surfing the internet and playing games? all bad habits are from the daddy. which i never exposed too much. when i want to get rest in a short while, he would ask me to do this and that. i am tired already and he never understands me indeed. he always thought he is the one who got tired more than me BUT in fact, i am the one who is tired more than him...
from working at office to home working, never get enough rests. he is not a helpful at all indeed.
he just knows how to complain but never work harder...
as i thought all guys who are to get married, wouldn't let their wives to live harder, should let her to enjoy the life... BUT my spouse DOESN'T... he said man and wife are same!
i find this is really impossible because as a man, should provide a better life for a family not ask the wife to work or pay separately in everything... this is a funny issue! i almost crazy of this, yet he said i always spend money for nothing BUT... does he has any savings now? he even NEVER buying the insurances for the kids, ME and himself?
i am the one who bought the insurances for my children's good and myself!
there was once my son met the accident, in his mind, he will asked me where is the Insurance Card when he was not the one paying!!! how ridiculous he was!!!!!
that really pissed me off...
perhaps he too understood that i would not leave him for goods, that's why he could bully me all these times. which really challenges my limited patiences. i just give him a bit more times.
see until when he could bully me any longer...
i shall patient bit more... i think the time is drawing closer...
i don't want to restart a new life with him... my children and i don't want to live in fear.
everyday we always afraid he would torture us unreasonably.
he loses the tempers easily and damaging the things! this is a stupid doing of him...
we don't want to live in fear for sure if he is forever like this...
i really hard to breathe everytime thinking about it... i am really unhappy!
xxx
am sure everyone thinks why i still stay till today as they had spoken if someone's attutides can't change then they sure leave her/him for goods... looks at him, how fortunate he is because no matter what happens, i still stand by him...
how silly i am, i supposed to teach him a lesson! but i didn't... that's why he could bully me terribly that everyone doesn't know how he treated me. sometimes i damn pissed off the way he treated me all these times...
i am super patient... very patient... BUT i am a weak person, i need someone to support, care, love and will be there for me whenever i feel unhappy or etc... these things, he never did but insulted me sometimes or didn't care me at all as he thought this is a common thing to him, so he doesn't need to care me at times.
everyday we come home, all the times he could face the pc or smartphone to surf the internet, play games or watching the entertainments. i hardly to get online at pc as i am always busier... come home already start to get prepare the dinner, doing the laundry and etc... he doesn't help me at all, he just complains this and there... he never revises with the children which the daddy should does the duty to educate the kids. he sets a bad example to our children such like playing ipod, facebook, surfing the internet and playing games? all bad habits are from the daddy. which i never exposed too much. when i want to get rest in a short while, he would ask me to do this and that. i am tired already and he never understands me indeed. he always thought he is the one who got tired more than me BUT in fact, i am the one who is tired more than him...
from working at office to home working, never get enough rests. he is not a helpful at all indeed.
he just knows how to complain but never work harder...
as i thought all guys who are to get married, wouldn't let their wives to live harder, should let her to enjoy the life... BUT my spouse DOESN'T... he said man and wife are same!
i find this is really impossible because as a man, should provide a better life for a family not ask the wife to work or pay separately in everything... this is a funny issue! i almost crazy of this, yet he said i always spend money for nothing BUT... does he has any savings now? he even NEVER buying the insurances for the kids, ME and himself?
i am the one who bought the insurances for my children's good and myself!
there was once my son met the accident, in his mind, he will asked me where is the Insurance Card when he was not the one paying!!! how ridiculous he was!!!!!
that really pissed me off...
perhaps he too understood that i would not leave him for goods, that's why he could bully me all these times. which really challenges my limited patiences. i just give him a bit more times.
see until when he could bully me any longer...
i shall patient bit more... i think the time is drawing closer...
i don't want to restart a new life with him... my children and i don't want to live in fear.
everyday we always afraid he would torture us unreasonably.
he loses the tempers easily and damaging the things! this is a stupid doing of him...
we don't want to live in fear for sure if he is forever like this...
i really hard to breathe everytime thinking about it... i am really unhappy!
xxx
miserable :: guilty
i don't know where to start today...
oh well, my heart sank right now... feel miserable and guilty a lot not only for myself but people around me. sometimes i always receive a lot of critics and complaints about my life style, even those who are either closer to me or strangers. BUT did they understand how hardships i have gone thru all these years? i just survive for many years, this is because of my strength and positive mindset which are driving me to fight till today although there are still challenging my life to unlimited levels which another people may not survive any longer...
i knew this is strange but what to do? i knew there are a plenty of choices... so? i have chosen this path and i have to go this way unless something really challenges my super patiences! i knew i have wasted for 10 years just for this silly life although i have happy, bitter, sweet and sour memories altogether these years...
i knew i can not be sighing all these times... there are a lot of unfortunate people, couldn't compared to my problems. i should be thankful for this life although i am slightly unfortunate. i don't know how to describe it.
for those who are closer to me, eg. my family? we had lived together since we were born to this world until today. our livings have changed due to grow more families and etc. yeah, i got married at young age. i had lived separately with my family to stay a far place although i was not happy everyday. everyday, i always cried when thinking of my family. frankly speaking, i had never stayed apart from my family in my life apart from living in the school hostel but it was temporarily periods, less than a year. i lived in a far place for 1-2 years, was not used with the new life with a spouse (my then boyfriend)...
we had almost quarreled everyday and was not happy with that life. i felt ashamed. i can't tell my problems to my family instead of telling how happy i was. i knew that was fake!!!! i didn't know how to tell them because i was the one who ran away with my then boyfriend that time and had a child with him. got married immediately afterward. so the life totally changed since then.
for those who don't know how exactly did i live for those years in another state?
very lonely :: very boring :: very unhappy :: my mind was blank
i always missed my family, wanted to go back to my family side...
BUT there always stopped me to go back!
there was once we quarreled, i almost wanted to dump him but he begged me back.
maybe because that time i was too young and naive.
so it happened.
and...
oh well, my sins can't be forgiven!
but this is past.
looking at the current life right now...
he always blames me in everything and anything...
yet i still patient and surviving just for my children NOT for him...
okay, i just let whatever he is bitch-ing.
because throughout his age is catching up, his attitudes have never changed to better ones... but creates more troubles on me... sounds like i bring him a lot of troubles and problems, etc.
does he respect me as his wife?
looking at this case which has just happened yesterday night - he lost tempers, broke the chair, throw the clothes hanging stand...
i was freaking mad but i never started to argue with him. he started! my children could be the witness on this whole story.
oh well, it's confirmed that he really can't be a good husband and daddy!
he never admits on whatever he had done, sounds like he did the right one.
okay i just let it be... i am surrender at times and he is the winner in whole stories...
i think one of those days he will be receive the punishments! really...
GOD knows this.
my children and I just live as usually, without him we are much better and happier. yeah this is a fact.
xxx
oh well, my heart sank right now... feel miserable and guilty a lot not only for myself but people around me. sometimes i always receive a lot of critics and complaints about my life style, even those who are either closer to me or strangers. BUT did they understand how hardships i have gone thru all these years? i just survive for many years, this is because of my strength and positive mindset which are driving me to fight till today although there are still challenging my life to unlimited levels which another people may not survive any longer...
i knew this is strange but what to do? i knew there are a plenty of choices... so? i have chosen this path and i have to go this way unless something really challenges my super patiences! i knew i have wasted for 10 years just for this silly life although i have happy, bitter, sweet and sour memories altogether these years...
i knew i can not be sighing all these times... there are a lot of unfortunate people, couldn't compared to my problems. i should be thankful for this life although i am slightly unfortunate. i don't know how to describe it.
for those who are closer to me, eg. my family? we had lived together since we were born to this world until today. our livings have changed due to grow more families and etc. yeah, i got married at young age. i had lived separately with my family to stay a far place although i was not happy everyday. everyday, i always cried when thinking of my family. frankly speaking, i had never stayed apart from my family in my life apart from living in the school hostel but it was temporarily periods, less than a year. i lived in a far place for 1-2 years, was not used with the new life with a spouse (my then boyfriend)...
we had almost quarreled everyday and was not happy with that life. i felt ashamed. i can't tell my problems to my family instead of telling how happy i was. i knew that was fake!!!! i didn't know how to tell them because i was the one who ran away with my then boyfriend that time and had a child with him. got married immediately afterward. so the life totally changed since then.
for those who don't know how exactly did i live for those years in another state?
very lonely :: very boring :: very unhappy :: my mind was blank
i always missed my family, wanted to go back to my family side...
BUT there always stopped me to go back!
there was once we quarreled, i almost wanted to dump him but he begged me back.
maybe because that time i was too young and naive.
so it happened.
and...
oh well, my sins can't be forgiven!
but this is past.
looking at the current life right now...
he always blames me in everything and anything...
yet i still patient and surviving just for my children NOT for him...
okay, i just let whatever he is bitch-ing.
because throughout his age is catching up, his attitudes have never changed to better ones... but creates more troubles on me... sounds like i bring him a lot of troubles and problems, etc.
does he respect me as his wife?
looking at this case which has just happened yesterday night - he lost tempers, broke the chair, throw the clothes hanging stand...
i was freaking mad but i never started to argue with him. he started! my children could be the witness on this whole story.
oh well, it's confirmed that he really can't be a good husband and daddy!
he never admits on whatever he had done, sounds like he did the right one.
okay i just let it be... i am surrender at times and he is the winner in whole stories...
i think one of those days he will be receive the punishments! really...
GOD knows this.
my children and I just live as usually, without him we are much better and happier. yeah this is a fact.
xxx
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