Yet he points the faults at me, saying that i never saving any accounts. But what about him?
Before it happened yesterday, i were hunting the houses many times and even visited the place but at last i didn't purchase any houses because i was in short of cashes that time and the hubs refused to purchase. A lot of excuses from him... bla blaa...
I paused for a while until a very yesterday. We were mad in rushing to get a house of own... sometimes i feel like my heart has been stabbed.
When we had the dinner earlier, i didn't take anything because i got no mood already yet the hubs seemed enjoying his dinner whilst reminded me that was my turn to pay our daughter's portion. Again, i fed up ways he talked to me like very calculative...
In fact, he never looked at his mirror and asking himself what's wrong with himself but keeps blaming / shooting / scolding / bullying me unreasonably. He never protects, cares, respects and loves me in as his wife. Instead of i am somebody for him. I wonder whether does he has the feeling? I am a human. Not a toy that does not have the feeling.
For many years of living together, he never learns to understand me deeply. Never. At times, he would cares and loves me when i do not make him angry. BUT if i make him angry, finish the story! That means he would lose the temper very terrible. Of course he loses the tempers to me! Scolds, screams and beat me unreasonably. My children can be the witness of these stories.
He sets a bad example in as a husband as well as a father to a pair of children. When we come back, i am the one who super busier at home whilst the hubs could only sits and face the pc, surfing... watching the cartoon and doing his own things.
He never helps me such like escorts the kids to take a bath or revise with them in studies.. if i do a very single mistaken, he would scolds and throws the things in front of the children. If i make him angry, he would throws the things and locks himself in sleeping, refusing to talk with me... blames me terribly like i am at 100% faults. He never thought he has done the mistakes as well, he refused to admit on his faults... even worse he never says SORRY if he does the mistakes..
i have posted the previous entry regarding the communication problem. He spoke that he tried to follow my requests to make everything clear. He also mentioned that our daughter spoke that i am so troublesome despite of not understand what they talked after many times.
My heart is really broken. Why so?
Firstly, i am the wife who he lives with for many years... yet he can not tolerante with my disability of understanding people. As i know, the husband and wife before married should have known this issue where everyone sought to share, help, advise and tolerante each other. But the hubs does not have these categories. He has no patiences at all. No wonder he loses the tempers more than anyone.
I had a conversation with my colleague earlier regarding this communication issue. She was really upset the ways the hubs treats me. like bullying me. My colleague really pities at me. She said i allowed him to do so that is why the problems occur today and forever if i do not stop this.
My tear sheds non-stop. I feel unhappy, helpless and disappointed. Like my life is ruined so much already because of his ego. I think i can not take it any longer... i am physically and mentally tiring. Very tired. I have been very very patient and allowing him to do so... like i have no respect from him already. It seems he dares to step over my head...
He said i am over limited... but what about him? Every actions, words, thoughts and ego from him really create the troubles on me in silent mode.
He scolds me in front of people also NO SOUND... how smart eh?
The dirty words such like chibai, lanjiao, fuck, diu, niuma and etc all was started from him yet he scolded me for set a bad example to our children???
I was huh...?
In the past, i did not know about these dirty chinese words until a very few years when we had bad arguments, he spitted those chinese dirty words at me in NO SOUND. How bad!
he always thinks he is a gentleman and nice guy... for everyone, yes but in real stories in the life, nobody knows how he treats me ways soooooooooooo bad.
When i was soo tired, i feel like want to rest a while. He woke up by banging here and there. And asking me...
"You sleep all alone meh"
That time was in the afternoon right after i was busier to prepare pancakes for breakfast, the fried rice for the lunch as well as baking the cupcakes... i so sleepy. That also he did not allow me to rest? I knew that time we needed to leave about 5pm plus to attend my 2nd uncle birthday but he forced me to wake up. I escorted my kids to bath all alone and he just sat there whilst playing the games at his phone.
Sighs...
I tell you...
he never cares me no matter how much tiring i am... he never appreciates my hard works as a wife and a mummy all these years...
If he angry then he can get angry only NOT me...
If i am angry, this is wrong! this leads him even more angrier at me...
If he says can then is can...
If i say can, he says can not...
If he blames me then he meant it...
If i blame him, he will fights me terribly and refused to admit on the mistakes...
If i ask him to help me, he needs to see what kind of the help... sounds very selfish...
If i help him... this is normal when he needs the help...
If he buys something, i just ask him whether he has extra cash to purchase?
If i buy something, he would says i got a plenty of money / richer...
And more lists to go... very rude of him.
He beats me yet i still suffer in silent mode. Feel upset and crying... he said he can not "tahan" with me. But what about me?
do you think i am really superwoman? I am a woman, needs loves and cares... but why i should be treated this way?
I really can not breathe so well now... very hard to breathe when facing these problems.
the problems i have face myself all alone, i have nightmares everyday and never found my true happiness in myself... sometimes i feel pity at my children because they have such a terrible father.
Sighs...
My mind is getting slowly working due to think too much. I really terrific about these issues.
I admit i am so tired now.
My family, friends and everyone could never understand 100% how much pains and hardships i gone thru all alone for many years.
Living in the fake story where the people looks at a happy family picture...
The hubs had just deactivated his FB a week or two ago. Did not know what is the reason. but when i discovered that, i realized the happiness is faded away.
I know he never appreciates my hard works for those years despite of having the arguments in the past. Really. We can see how he treated me?
he just bought the policy from my cousin yet he never offered to contribute bit more for our children's policy since i am the one who contributing all these years.
i am not talking about his bad things but this is a fact! i am living now with him...
Sometimes i thought the hubs is lucky to have me or i am just unlucky?
I never feel the real happiness and a harmony life in a family scenery. I feel like it's becoming a part of my children life where we thought it is a single family. The hubs never expects that he could be the next one just like his father.
Frankly speaking, i am so exhausted now...
xxx
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