Quite Upset...

it's quite upset after the trial for 2 months plus since we took over the childcare business, yes me and my cousin brother.... sometimes i am not so happy about the way he handle the business...

like many things that i really am not satisfied but what to do. he is the big investor and i am only the small potato that he just could offered for all... anyway this doesn't benefit me though because whatever he talked all just empty promises and never kept promises at times.

he mentioned many times that he would eventually leaves this centre for me to control here but it seemed never happening. he still comes back here and the centre is still messy under his control. when i was here, the centre is still in control by setting the rules and etc so that the kids could be independently working on him / her own without guides. but when he is here, he will does everything. it seems he has to spoil them in silent mode.

and one thing i am quite disappointing is the parents all are referring him as the big boss as well as the principal here NOT ME. it's really a joke that he behaves like that. never had a formal introduction for me with the new teachers and the parents as well.

i don't know what was he thinking actually. all my plans that i have been planning for some times seems to be taken over by him and all is him... so sad huh?

no wonder when i paid a praying for my late mummy, i did ask my late mummy about it and the coins were not giving the response, kept giving the same patterns :(

i thought my late mummy was not blessing on this business between me and my cousin brother. i think it will be involved a lot of troubles later on as his personal attitudes really not so impressing!!!! even the centre also has problems that he might not settled although he can't expect it too much from the teachers.

one thing, i already advised him many times yet he ignores all the times, it depends the situation like when i told him that the adults should be set good roles for the children and he never did it... so does the China teacher...

i see the China teacher is slight stubborn and sometimes she doesn't respect me as the principal. oh well, we have the minute meetings almost every twice per month yet there's always having the problem. there are two languages in the meeting which is unfair for the major of teachers who are speaking English whilst the only one teacher speaks Mandarin all the time. my cousin brother even asked us to learn Chinese in order to communicate better with her. it's hilarious that we are running the time and we can't keep translating for her all the time.... this also he can't understand instead of making the situation worse.

i know he is the big investor but sometimes he never refers to me when i am his business partner indeed. why?

i find this is really ridiculous.

i am regretting that much because i told him about my plans. otherwise, this plan would be mine and i would be the BOSS whereas i am now today but it is reserved though! so sad huh???

i am never be a big boss for now.... perhaps but in the future i shall be a BOSS. perhaps i am a better leader than him.

i can say he can't be a good leader though as i knew how he handles the kids. i had told him what can do what can't do... yet he never listens to me.

okay, i got no comments about it. i am pretty disappointed about it....

duno what will happening for the next....

sighs...

knock the door...

knock... knock... it's here already... my 11st years of wedding anniversary yet it seems fading away and  nothing's happening today and no even words from his mouth to wish me...

*longggggg sighssss....*

as i spoke in previous entry, he is kinda not a romance man and he doesn't know how to cheer my day and appreciating my all-doings... oh well, just ignore this... this time, i shall not wish any greetings with him not like those past years where i used to remind and wished him for those anniversaries in years... and now i feel tired... and fed up already with ways it go...

and i won't wish or what... just let it go on itself course...

don't know as if today is not important to him? perhaps it is... because 11st years is not a short period and we have been gone thru ups and downs eg. arguments, fights, bitch-ing, and etc but it doesn't mean we became matured but we need to learn all these processes thru experiences that we have been encountering and i knew what's he looking alike... that's why it couldn't bring up a good discussion or communication between me and him...

that's a fact...

i admit i have a difficult communication with him... not easy to pass this hardest level as his ways to talk are very terrible...

like what i meant, when i ask this and that... he would answers - - - hantu, ghost, heaven, u think le, u duno? and more to go which really pissed me off all the times and the way to communicate should be talk properly not those ways he talks! i really super patient when he answers like that... don't know how he communicates with another people apart from me OR maybe only me?

it seems the ways he really bullies me! that's obviously doings of him...

until now, he still never gets improved... oh well, this also needs time to heal everything...

i just hope everything goes fine with him although he doesn't understand...


xxx

it's coming very soon...

just reunited and now we are waiting for tomorrow - - - our 11st years of wedding anniversary!

don't know shall we celebrate this anniversary? we seem have so many problems between us lately yet it seems not interesting to me at all...

already 11 years of marriage and the children grow up... there's no longer intimate and romance relationship between me and him...

kinda boring eh...

even if i wanna celebrate this anniversary also not necessary from me all alone eh, this needs both of us to celebrate together, but this depends to him if he has a heart to celebrate this??!!

no force anyway... i knew his characters already so no surprise if he never celebrates with me this way... only if he knows how to appreciate people by his side??!!

does he?


after all, i am getting tired of this...

oh well...


xxx

a little reunited...

after two days i NEVER bothered to send messages or calling him whereabout he was, he got nervous and sent messages thru whatsapp... saying wanted a divorce since he thought i never cared him at all after he was missing on Saturday night where we was on the way to my nephew birthday party and he stepped out from my car out-sudden during waiting the traffic light, of course it was near my house...

he was in anger mode and i sent message also never replied...

oh well... that was FINE... i never bothered even if he didn't come home that night after i came back from party until next day... we never went out on that day, i also never locked the house. just let him come back if he wants BUT he never came back... after whole Sunday, that made me pissed off in meanwhile i felt peace without him around... so did my kids too...

- - - no screams, no arguments, no long face - - - 

until that evening when i was having the dinner with my children that time about 6.45pm... he sent messages thru whatsapp to my daughter first and asking her...

"if dad and mum separate, who would u choose?..."

and my daughter refused to reply... she went to tell me about this because she was speechless... she spoke that she wanted to follow me...

at same time, my hubs sent whatsapp messages to me...

he said since he knew my heart is only for my family... my family is my first priority, he doesn't see where is he in my heart... i was speechless because this is a small issue, of course i care my family as well as my own family too...

and he doesn't see i really care him as a husband... if i still behave like that, no point to stay together, he requested for a divorce, all things included the house would be given to me because he said it's useless for him, he is willing to move back to hometown and allowing the children to be with me here... so etc...

*speechless*

he dared to say these????!!!!!

how stupid eh! VERY CHILDISH!!!!!!!

i tell you...

in many years... i never mention this word "DIVORCE" with him even a single... although i did complain and even wishing to divorce with him lar but i never mention this to him by face to face... all was from my heart talks... BUT all these years ONLY he was the one who always mentioning the DIVORCE word... this really challenged my patiences but i was still rational and reason-ing with him when he requested to divorce... and i couldn't find what's my faults on this and he said i still don't know what had i done????!!

ridiculous???!!!

oh well, this time i just let it go... won't calculate with him on this issue but i won't allow the divorce goes beyond the mind of mine... never... and i don't do any wrongs now. and my children could be my witness of all incidents... 

such as when we were on window-shopping, and suddenly he was so angry, leaving us alone at mall just like that... not first time, many times already and i still patient... very patient....

i recalled about 9 years ago where we were at KLCC on end of year, we had a terrible argument and i can't remember what was it about and he was losing temper, he threw the stroller on the escalator during we got down to ground... everyone looked at us... very embarrassing... not only that, when we were at out of KLCC, were at park near lake... he just walked away, left me and my little daughter that time was 2 years old along with taking the stroller all alone... that was an unforgettable and unhappy memory and i really feel upset everytime i recall although it was past... but i still can't forget it though until now...

and a few years back when we argued, i ran back to my dad house overnight... and next morning we went home, guess what? he LOCKED the house and never allowed us to go in!!!!!

you say???

he was VERY CHILDISH yet he said i am problematic??? please looks at this latest case, when he was missing... i NEVER LOCKED the house!!!!!! he can come home anytime he wants...

who is childish? how stupid!

oh well, all these years, did i do terrible actions like him? NO...

he is very selfish and ego! never admits on what he has done to me and our children... yet i still can take it on account of long term period that we have been together and our children are already growing up...

can't imagine how much unhappiness things that i have been gone thru...

there was once we had very bad argument until wanna divorce, all was he started one that time he was a full time freelancer... we fought until i got bruised here and there and he seldom came home. he was staying at his friend's house as he was working as freelancer with them that time in SS2...

i told my hubs's sisters and they couldn't help me because they couldn't listen to my side one, they needed to listen to my hubs's side as well but it didn't help at all but causing the situation even worse. oh well never mind... 

that time he was a full time freelancer and i was working with a low salary yet i never complained. i tried my best to cover every expenses even though that time he always wanted to go out shopping and dining out... never knew about my financial... i even never cared about my dignity to borrow money from my sister or my friends when i was out of money... 

so many things i have been gone through... and i think not many people would understand either my hardships or my feelings that time... all i endured myself alone, very suffering... even my parents and my siblings also unhappy for me because i have a terrible husband!

not that he was terrible... he did care this family but his attitudes, characters and manners were that really worse that normal people... even during courtship, i was his then girlfriend also never had such happy memories like another couples... never went for movies, never went to celebrate, never got any presents... and worse still he never wished me on my birthday.... 

there was a few occasions during CNY a few years ago, we supposed to go have dinner with my family... he always showed unhappy and long face... refused to go out... argued... until i really beh tahan... called my brother for a help... and he asked my sister to fetch us since my hubs refused to go and even closed my brother's call... very rude lar you know???

i really beh tahan when he said i got problems but he never knew he also has his own problems of himself as well??? very stupid!

this also can't blamed me 100% on all these matters and he is at least very LUCKY already because i am the one who willing to stay with his side for all these years despite of knowing he is really a terrible guy!

he just didn't know how to appreciate... i knew this!!! *long sighs, he needs a lesson!! serious!!! face-palm*

that was terrible eh?

oh well... that was past and now he still remains the same, just that he changed little by little, that doesn't mean he is a fully good man but he needs to study himself as well BUT he won't study himself, always put all faults to me!!!

something's wrong, he sure scolds me like that... shoot me here and there... i really beh tahan and whenever he is wrong, I CAN'T SCOLD OR SHOOT HIM OTHERWISE HE IS EVEN ANGRIER THAN ME... 

funny eh? not logical at all eh?

i don't know what does he think????!!!

even worse, he sent messages - - -  after we divorce, one day if u get a BF u will know the answer from your BF.. all problems also from you...

i was speechless! he thinks all problems were from me?

ok fine... i still accept whatever he said...

just take it as a challenge for this time...

wait and see...

who is worse who is terrible??!!!

you all can judge this!


oh well, we reunited already after he refused to tell me whereabout he was and i never forced him... then eventually he told me where was he now...

see???


he was the winner this time eh?

oh well...

as i spoke earlier, wait and see...


xxx

a few days away for my 11st years of Wedding anniversary - - -

a few days away for my 11st years of Wedding anniversary, yet i think it couldn't happen in reality... after 10 years of being with him, it remains the same. nothing changes and i believe he never feels the real of losing someone he loves the most... that's for sure but to think whether am i the one who he really loves the most now?

NO...

why so?

i don't see the way he really treats me as a wife instead of bullying me everytime. my family can see the ways he treats me but they could not doing anything because he is my husband, he may has the right to scold me... perhaps? or i am the one who have chosen him as my long term partner despite to know how terrible he is...

supposed to end the relationship in the past 10 years but it never happened.

i was supposing to leave him during the courtships but eventually it happened an accident. thought it would changes after having the child. boy, was i wrong, it got worse that we argued and fought almost everyday since having the first child... hard to breathe when recalled those times... very sad!

perhaps that time we were naive and young, i was not totally stable yet and i needed him so much and it remained again until now...

i also didn't understand that so much why it happened to me?

i am suffering and nobody knows how i felt... whilst my hubs is pretty stable since everyone knew that he is married to me who has disability so they thought it might be problems of mine not him?

hmm... not easy right?

and his stubborness really challenges my patiences everytimes but i still patient over what happens.

i think i am tired already now...

shall i end of this problem?

ask myself whether could i be even stronger to live on without him around? i think should be because i have my children to support me... perhaps! May God blesses us always...

a few days away yet i am thinking about it... why? seems i care about wedding anniversaries so much? but does he think about it? i don't know and i found this is not important to him indeed... perhaps... because he spoke once that i always make him angry and etc... so what point if he wanna remembers this anniversary?

sighs... what a silly thinking...

i am so tired now...



xxx

it seems turning out even worse now - - -

oh well, it's Sunday evening and my kids are sleeping soundly... they are blessed indeed under my cares... when i look at my kids, i feel guilty sometimes because they have a lousy and brainless daddy!

guess what? 

let me tell what had happened yesterday??!!!

my daughter was attending to activities at school, going to Broga, Semenyih from 7am until 6.30pm. so left me, my son and my hubs. but i came back to my daddy house after working of course to have the lunch which was preparing by my parent whilst my hubs was speaking earlier that he wanted to go Sunway to have lunch whilst to look for the car part... i just ignored since i was not interested.

hence, i went back to my daddy house as usual. my sis was there but my nephew was not there, my sis spoke that she wanted to let her son to rest since he was a Birthday Boy that night...

oh well..  i spent a few hours there, then going home about 3pm.. before that, i did text him and asking where was he?

"your mind"

        "what mind? where are you?"

"of course at home lar"

       "ok, have u ate? wan me dabao something?"

"i ate already"


then i just went home and having a bath since the weather was humid...

and my hubs was watching movie, then went to sleeping.

my son was playing alone at living room and i was gently reminding him that don't play funny things when mummy slept.

he nodded...

then i slept... that time was about 4pm like that...

but my hubs woke up earlier than me... yet he blamed me for late?

he woke up earlier but never preparing anything such like prepare the camera for my sis's party later etc... instead of shot me for late to fetch our daughter at school? but that time was slightly early? he just purposely said that? he was disturbing me at first place yet he blamed me? that was hilarious!!! anyway i was upset!

again, i was upset when he left me and my son!

text-ed him many times also never replied...

i was fuming MAD...

i looked for him from above road until at school foyer, i found he talked to my cousin brother.

suddenly i realised my shirt has tore, hence i told him to take care the kids and i went home changing the shirt.

and they reached home about 7.15pm.. slightly late.

i was nervous because it was late already yet he still drove soooo slow...

i requested to change the driver place and he just let me to drive. he seemed has no mood at all about going to my sister's party...

when i drove, quite a bit speed... suddenly knocked the road's hill and my hubs was MAD. he almost stopped me by took the brake.. i told him everything was fine, i was not purposely to do so, asked him to calm BUT he seemed wandering nowhere in his mind...

still angry...

stopped at traffic light. when i wanted to take something from the cabinet but his leg was blocking.

i told him to adjust his legs and suddenly he blew his anger...

shouted that he didn't want to go... asked me to go myself.... he stepped out from my car during waiting the traffic light turned out green light...

my kids and i both were surprising...

we found this really ridiculous about his manners!!!!


i was really upset!

indeed...

and i asked my daughter to text him BUT he never replied...

very rude and NO MANNER at all....

hence, we just went ahead to my sis party without knowing what he gonna to do... and...

his house key was with me!!!


i wondered how would he gonna home later or never go home at all...

until the party ended, yet everyone asked me where's my hubs...

*speechless*

i just kept quiet...

we went home after party and he still didn't come home until next morning and now...

i guess there would be an end of relationship between me and him...

yet a few days to go for our 11st years of wedding anniversary and it seems no longer important now..

perhaps it is... i shall decide for the better future and could not longer be with this useless fella...

i guess i shall better now with my kids because my kids are my strength now... and they are growing up enough to taken care and thinking what happens surroundings.

oh well, time to have dinner soon...

shall i prepare some simple dinner for myself and my kids too? :)

Life is blessed if we know how to enjoy it...

perhaps ...

we just wait and see if he doesn't come home tonight...

because he needs to work tomorrow and he needs to go out-station to Kedah... i don't know if he really neglects his works...

oh well...

we just ignore this useless fella who is totally fail as a husband and daddy too...


everytime i talk about my hubs, my heart really sank...

he is the one guy doesn't know how to appreciate me and cares me as a wife and a mother...

like on Mother day, he spoke that only the children celebrate with the mother NOT a husband should appreciates a wife who has given birth the kids and doing the homeworks for him...

ridiculous eh?

anyway i am really tired with his brainless and stupid manners...

sighs...

really disappointed and totally lost now...


xxx

useless fella

my kids and i couldn't tolerante with the hubs any longer as we really can't tahan with his attitudes... over small matters, he blows the anger to everyone (my two kids and I)... how ridiculous! and my daughter really doesn't like him. my son only okay with the dad when the dad's mood is good, otherwise my son would sticks to me for sure!

"so sorry about that. how do you doing the duty as a father? looks at the children, they don't like you so how? please improve your attitudes otherwise you will be in shit..."

hmm... not only my children, i also can't tahan already... i have been very patient and tolerante with him a lot.... but he just doesn't understand!!!!

a MAN like him, really useless!!! i don't know how his family could accept him such like that? what a stupid! never educated him well. he behaves such like ways really make those people who know who is he actually would pissed off a lot!!!!

that's why sometimes i really don't like his family very much!!! never educate what is correct what is wrong... all rojak... i even hate his father, because of his ways how to educate all his son copied-cat and resulted today how he handles with the children really pissed off!

serious i tell!!!!

very terrible and he always speaks that i am really useless and lousy mother but what about him? he never looks at the mirror himself how terrible he is?

i knew i am lousy but at least i have thought about the children futures... i am well-prepared about the financial and plans in case if one day my brother really moves to the new place with my parent, by that time i need travel further even...

that's why i need plan by now and the hubs always shoots me with the money issue!!! asking me where is the money first... that is really irritating to me! he himself never works harder still want to ask the money? where's his brain? ain't he is a man???? how stupid!

drives me nuts and fuming mad over this...

sighs...


xxx

nothing is perfect

frankly speaking, i have complained soooo much about my hubs... even complained with some of close members eg. my close friends that always share about the hubs, my bro and his gf as well as my daddy.

then i realize why should i complain about my hubs every time we are into arguments?

every couples are imperfect but if we work harder to mend our relationships, ain't it should better than i expected? although he is stubborn and childish but this also needs to see the matter! oh well, it's balanced between two persons if one is childish and one is rational... would be greater if it is combined unless both are childish then FINISH lor...

okay, i try my best to amend the mistakes and having a good communication with him. hopefully this works! yeah we are cooperating to look for the house right now... we may into more discussions about the house...

i admit i also did the mistakes, so does he... as i say, nothing is perfect. although i have complained soooo much and he doesn't. that doesn't mean he is correct at all. he just keeps in his heart. don't want to raise the issue as he doesn't really into this relationship issue... bleh.

he needs to understand that the world is different already now...

nowadays the divorce issue is common already, hence we should work harder to meet our demands to make our relationships as well as our family to be perfect bit more will do because we have been gone ups and downs so long... more than 10 years, it's sad if 10 years marriage gone because of a small matter.... right?

moreover, he tried his best to be a good husband and daddy to a pair of children. he tried his best to provide everything for this family, this is also questioned the limited he provided, he can't contribute at all because of his limited salary. as i knew the men salary should be higher than women but my hubs is at vice-versa... sadly, i speak he is carefully about spending the money but the most is his own things, not to contribute for our children's policy and the things that i purchase without his permission. sighs.

seem i need to work harder now... to make more money to have a better living for my family. the world is complicated. especially Malaysia, in the big city, every properties darn expensive more than what we expected... not easy to get a property. not worth indeed... somemore Malaysian needs to go thru many things such like tax, expenses, entertainments and etc... not easier!

oh well... how to get a peace and happy living if everything becomes complicated? i wonder why those people could pay more than i do...

frankly speaking, i never been to overseas for a long time... the last destination i had been was Medan, Indonesia by plane with my family... that was when i was at age 15... long time de...

and my hubs was just lucky.  he got to go overseas, this also provided by his company. but for family trip, we are able not to make it... everything is also money! everyday also needs money!

so stressed eh? more to my kids's educations, even worse... we got no saving for them... (face palm)

oh well... just our luck! maybe we thought we are worse but when double thinking, another people are worse than us... we thankful for this and feel just blessed though. anyway, everything needs hard works!

i don't believe we are at end of road, there's still a long journey to go... here it go ways....

just a luck eh? :)


okay... words!

xxx

when the sun shines...

after a week or so, i have been depressed about this relationship... to think it would be end any sooner but boy, was i wrong... it seems in fact he is not afford to be lonely at all... but weird, why should he behaves like that when he knew he can't afford to lose this?

oh my... never mind... just let it be... and i don't intend to do anything for now... i am tiring!

so far so good, we seem to be okay... but less communicate already.

i think he talks to another people is better than me although i am his wife but there's nothing that we could talk or share... it seems we are more or less being strangers... sighs... right now i miss someone...
but he is quite further from here...  never mind... perhaps no fate?

but i still believe we would be reunited any sooner if the timing allows... :)

okay...

xxx

a long thought...

after a day or two, i have been soo much in depression regarding the relationship issue and today i feel much better... not that we mended this relationship problem, is me have a long thoughts of the past, present and today... ask myself why, what, where, which, and how?

oh well, this relationship issue... i couldn't complain more or less right now... the ways we handled may be either positive or negative, perhaps we didn't realize... but when there was created any troubles, of course any of us would blame each other during the critic time...

to think about my past... although we had bad arguments or fought in the past, don't blame me for behaving such those ways, i actually learned from you! 

i do thinking about how we used to love and care when he was in good moods. if he was not good in the mood, another story! for such long thoughts, if he is remaining the same without any changes...

i shall change my whole life because i can't take any longer to live with him... i knew he has tried his best to provide the best for this family BUT what i meant is he doesn't try his best to improve more himself instead of remaining the same... i don't mind if he wants to play the Gundam thingy and his stuffs, i just hope he works harder more bit. he is a head of this family yet his income is not that made much more or less...

sometimes he is selfishly handling the money... he doesn't believe my money management, so i don't want to comment on this. i don't know how he uses his money, i don't know whether does he has any savings for now?

as i knew, he never provides any contributions for our children's policies, tuition fees and depends on what things? mostly they are bear by me and myself... i knew my salary may not covered everything but i tried my very best to cover... for my daughter tuition fee, yeah he does contribute but less than the actual amounts... i paid more than him indeed... just that he doesn't know the fact but loves to blame me for never saving any cents instead of spending too much...

do i?

but he doesn't know what is my real situation.... he keeps blaming me, never thinks properly about me and the children's future...

i provide the tuition fee for my daughter no matter how hard i am but i want my daughter to know how important the educations, because this only can helps her to create the bright future... of course i don't intend to let my children to follow their daddy's step as their daddy is not good in academics... can say he is powerful in chinese only, not the rest of subjects... i admit he is intelligent but in skills only NOT FOR THE ACADEMICS.

i do remember how much sacrifice did my late mummy has done for my siblings and myself... this is what i saluted her as a great mummy in my heart...

my hubs always teases me because i am kinda stingy on spending on things i really love but never purchase... i actually want to save and sacrifice my money for my children's good sakes such like tuitions, insurances and something i could provide for them...

after 10 years, i realize my hubs actually has never understand me deeply and better... NEVER. that is why, sometimes i am just a stranger to him although in the house or anywhere, i am in a status as a wife to him but the real life is NOT that kind... look at the ways how he treats me?

i do everything including, doing laundry, bring the kids to bath, cooking, mopping, driving, and many more than i could do... yet i am never been appreciated... but much more like a maid... he never feel grateful for everything i have done in 10 years... i am very tiring... indeed.

i never see he really appreciates me... even if got but what is that? could it be he treats me the lunch or what? he gives me any presents very very rare... treats me the lunch or dinner also depends... most of times, we pay AA... when my birthday, he shows the long black face especially this recent month which my birthday is categorized. he does remember how to celebrate our children birthday but NOT me... i never see how he plan or celebrate me in special ways... every time also very dull...

actually i don't mind to do all... i just hope he cares, loves and help me no matter what... but he never helps me... he said if he is not around one day, i have to do myself... i found this is rather weird because it's normal if i need a help why not? sometimes i find that he is really strange! i am a wife, why can't help me? even my family will help me? why so?

his family is not really helping me... sometimes only... i remember there was once we had the tea break near kopitiam in his hometown... we were a whole family. and the hubs was sitting very far there whilst i was carrying my son who was sleeping on my lap. i asked him to help me to order.. he just asked me to order myself... and his sisters didn't ask me what i want... they just kept quiet... i was bloody mad already... i refused to order at last... no mood already!

to think about these things really make me upset sometimes...

today i feel cool down but i don't feel wanna talk much with him already... in the house we may be strangers each other and sleeping separate ways. i don't know how long it would takes, i think very soon...

anyway i fed up already. he doesn't want to improve the communication but blamed me in many things. i find this is really ridiculous!

thinks he is right in everything?

agree?


xxx

my heart is crying

To learn that the owner wanted to increase the house rent fee to 750 Malaysia Ringgit starts by next month. I accepted it calmly despite of knowing it would happens. The hubs could not accept the fact of increasing the rent fee.

Yet he points the faults at me, saying that i never saving any accounts. But what about him?

Before it happened yesterday, i were hunting the houses many times and even visited the place but at last i didn't purchase any houses because i was in short of cashes that time and the hubs refused to purchase. A lot of excuses from him... bla blaa...

I paused for a while until a very yesterday. We were mad in rushing to get a house of own... sometimes i feel like my heart has been stabbed.

When we had the dinner earlier, i didn't take anything because i got no mood already yet the hubs seemed enjoying his dinner whilst reminded me that was my turn to pay our daughter's portion. Again, i fed up ways he talked to me like very calculative...

In fact, he never looked at his mirror and asking himself what's wrong with himself but keeps blaming / shooting / scolding / bullying me unreasonably. He never protects, cares, respects and loves me in as his wife. Instead of i am somebody for him. I wonder whether does he has the feeling? I am a human. Not a toy that does not have the feeling.

For many years of living together, he never learns to understand me deeply. Never. At times, he would cares and loves me when i do not make him angry. BUT if i make him angry, finish the story! That means he would lose the temper very terrible. Of course he loses the tempers to me! Scolds, screams and beat me unreasonably. My children can be the witness of these stories.

He sets a bad example in as a husband as well as a father to a pair of children. When we come back, i am the one who super busier at home whilst the hubs could only sits and face the pc, surfing... watching the cartoon and doing his own things.

He never helps me such like escorts the kids to take a bath or revise with them in studies.. if i do a very single mistaken, he would scolds and throws the things in front of the children. If i make him angry, he would throws the things and locks himself in sleeping, refusing to talk with me... blames me terribly like i am at 100% faults. He never thought he has done the mistakes as well, he refused to admit on his faults... even worse he never says SORRY if he does the mistakes..

i have posted the previous entry regarding the communication problem. He spoke that he tried to follow my requests to make everything clear. He also mentioned that our daughter spoke that i am so troublesome despite of not understand what they talked after many times.

My heart is really broken. Why so?

Firstly, i am the wife who he lives with for many years... yet he can not tolerante with my disability of understanding people. As i know, the husband and wife before married should have known this issue where everyone sought to share, help, advise and tolerante each other. But the hubs does not have these categories. He has no patiences at all. No wonder he loses the tempers more than anyone.

I had a conversation with my colleague earlier regarding this communication issue. She was really upset the ways the hubs treats me. like bullying me. My colleague really pities at me. She said i allowed him to do so that is why the problems occur today and forever if i do not stop this.

My tear sheds non-stop. I feel unhappy, helpless and disappointed. Like my life is ruined so much already because of his ego. I think i can not take it any longer... i am physically and mentally tiring. Very tired. I have been very very patient and allowing him to do so... like i have no respect from him already. It seems he dares to step over my head...

He said i am over limited... but what about him? Every actions, words, thoughts and ego from him really create the troubles on me in silent mode.

He scolds me in front of people also NO SOUND... how smart eh?

The dirty words such like chibai, lanjiao, fuck, diu, niuma and etc all was started from him yet he scolded me for set a bad example to our children??? 

I was huh...?

In the past, i did not know about these dirty chinese words until a very few years when we had bad arguments, he spitted those chinese dirty words at me in NO SOUND. How bad!

he always thinks he is a gentleman and nice guy... for everyone, yes but in real stories in the life, nobody knows how he treats me ways soooooooooooo bad.

When i was soo tired, i feel like want to rest a while. He woke up by banging here and there. And asking me...

"You sleep all alone meh"

That time was in the afternoon right after i was busier to prepare pancakes for breakfast, the fried rice for the lunch as well as baking the cupcakes... i so sleepy. That also he did not allow me to rest? I knew that time we needed to leave about 5pm plus to attend my 2nd uncle birthday but he forced me to wake up. I escorted my kids to bath all alone and he just sat there whilst playing the games at his phone.

Sighs...

I tell you...

he never cares me no matter how much tiring i am... he never appreciates my hard works as a wife and a mummy all these years...



If he angry then he can get angry only NOT me...

If i am angry, this is wrong! this leads him even more angrier at me...

If he says can then is can...

If i say can, he says can not...

If he blames me then he meant it...

If i blame him, he will fights me terribly and refused to admit on the mistakes...

If i ask him to help me, he needs to see what kind of the help... sounds very selfish...


If i help him... this is normal when he needs the help...

If he buys something, i just ask him whether he has extra cash to purchase?


If i buy something, he would says i got a plenty of money / richer...

And more lists to go... very rude of him.



He beats me yet i still suffer in silent mode. Feel upset and crying... he said he can not "tahan" with me. But what about me?

do you think i am really superwoman? I am a woman, needs loves and cares... but why i should be treated this way?

I really can not breathe so well now... very hard to breathe when facing these problems.

the problems i have face myself all alone, i have nightmares everyday and never found my true happiness in myself... sometimes i feel pity at my children because they have such a terrible father.

Sighs...

My mind is getting slowly working due to think too much. I really terrific about these issues.

I admit i am so tired now.

My family, friends and everyone could never understand 100% how much pains and hardships i gone thru all alone for many years.

Living in the fake story where the people looks at a happy family picture...

The hubs had just deactivated his FB a week or two ago. Did not know what is the reason. but when i discovered that, i realized the happiness is faded away.

I know he never appreciates my hard works for those years despite of having the arguments in the past. Really. We can see how he treated me?

he just bought the policy from my cousin yet he never offered to contribute bit more for our children's policy since i am the one who contributing all these years.

i am not talking about his bad things but this is a fact! i am living now with him...

Sometimes i thought the hubs is lucky to have me or i am just unlucky?

I never feel the real happiness and a harmony life in a family scenery. I feel like it's becoming a part of my children life where we thought it is a single family. The hubs never expects that he could be the next one just like his father.

Frankly speaking, i am so exhausted now...





xxx

deactivate the mind

i look at the happy memories in the past despite of having arguments in those years. recent years included this year, it seems our relationship is real turning sour already. he is the one who started everything yet i never mentioned anything but he is kinda very narrow-hearted...

when he did the mistakes, he never admitted... but shoot me instead. like that case when our son's eyes pricked yet he shouted at me, scolded me terribly but the incident has not made clear everything and our son kept crying... i was speechless....

until when our son stopped crying that time i purchased a cold Milo drink for him, the hubs said our son  mentioned that i did one... i was speechless again because as i remembered i didn't do anything earlier that time, hence i was not satisfied with the answer the hubs gave, i double confirmed again with our son....

guess what?

when i asked our son... "who did that?"

he said is "the daddy...."

my daughter and I also were there, so did all guests there listened... the hubs became ashamed!

looks at this story... he scolds me without checking properly... useless fella!

and many things that made our children as well as I really tired of his attitudes, behaviors and stupid angers!!!!

today i notice our relationship really can't be saved already as he refused to communicate and solve the problems... every time we talk about the problems, he keeps pointing me in many faults but he never mentions about himself in the faults... it seems all faults going to ME... ME....

i don't understand why?

u can see there's very much difference between me and the hubs...

• going to his house, i just go to visit them... when to my daddy house, he REFUSED to go unless there's any occasions such as celebrations or etc... 
• he wants to bring his daddy go shopping or travel, i got nothing to say... when i speak i want to bring my parent to shopping or travel, he complains soooooo much like no money to sponsor and etc....
• his family doesn't really contribute anything to my kids and I, i just keep quiet and the hubs also doesn't say anything.. when my parents and my siblings helped us a lot... he never thought to reply appreciates or etc... even never thankful to them... the hubs does treat them for a lunch or dinner but VERY RARE already. this also depends his pocket! otherwise, NEVER at all.
• despite to know he has not much pockets, he still pays everything for HIS OWN FAMILY... NOT my family...
• his sisters never bought anything for my children, we never say anything.... when my siblings bought very a lot of things for our children, why not i buy something for them? but the hubs complains that I NEVER THOUGHT TO BUY ANYTHING FOR HIS SISTER CHILDREN.... what the F...
• when i was married to him, he never greeted my daddy as :: papa :: instead of calling :: uncle :: my siblings also heard but we all speechless...
• and more lists to go... i really can't forget whatever he did in those years...

another story... this early year was my birthday right after New Year... that 1st week which he was requested to outstation until on my birthday... he came back on my Birthday and we went to Mines Wonderland without my requests... he drove all himself and i just got our children to get ready after back from my shopping earlier (we were hunting the cabinets but didn't buy anything)

i jokingly asked him about my birthday...

he answered in the anger mode... "i gave u the money already, what else u want? i don't have money already"

sighs....

then i kept quiet for a while... and asking him again...

"how would you want to celebrate my birthday?"

again in anger mode --- "i tired already to drive for 3 hours outstation, now you want me to drive again? "

my daughter overheard and asking me why the daddy said like that, he drove himself not us...

i was speechless....

how would u think the ways he talked???

any problems?

i really beh tahan already... sighs... 

had a big arguments

i had arguments with the hubs earlier... and it seems confirmed that our relationship turns sour already now. as he keeps saying i have the problems BUT when i asked him back...

"you spoke i have problems of mine BUT have u thought about your problems?"

then he answered "fine, i got nothing to say"

i was huh....?

i lazy to write, i will attached this PDF and let u see...

this was our conversations earlier thru Skype and we can know who started the arguments? i barely to mention about the problems during the conversations. because of he started to mention, i joined too but every time i talked, he talked the way very rude... like he put ALL FAULTS on me even including our daughter as well BUT to your knowledges, our daughter is still small, of course i need to remind her every time.... 

but he didn't agree?

why???

he said all is same?

what the same? you can judge and tell me...

i did admit i  got own problems at my side but i never rise the issue yet i am trying to solve it BUT his attitudes really drove me NUTS... somemore mentioned wanna to die faster????

he is not an adult meh? doesn't know how to think? he mentioned :: OVERLIMITED :: earlier...

but does he know he already challenged my patiences all those years yet i still suffer in silent modes? he is too much already!!!! 

how stupid he is!

in my mind, if he can't "tahan" with me after 10 years. i think is the best solution to DIVORCE... i think he would thinks too... now depends on the timing...

i fed up already...

xxx