feeling miserable - - - #1

i feel so miserable right now. not that first time i have encounter but long long time ago...

and...

i found this is something that i shall not to put too much loves... *long sighs* as a big sister and an eldest daughter in the family... i myself don't know whether do i receive a lot of loves from everyone? sometimes i notice that my both younger siblings, they are indeed blessed much more than me, looking at them... they have good friends, have better livings, and etc which i don't have now after 10 years as i spoke previously, there's no much changes in my life. indeed it is... now i can't blame my hubs or everyone. one thing is i could blame myself for choosing this path! but since i had chosen this path, there's no U-turn anymore. i have to go on my living despite of living in the great pains with silent mode... perhaps after my late mummy passed away that time, i started to be very lonely... very very lonely that time as my dad always outstation every weekends, my brother was busy with his things, his guitar class and etc whilst my sister was busy with her job, her boyfriend and etc. none paid attentions on me that time and everyday after college, i would go home and spending all the time on the cyber chat / internet... very lonely i tell ya!

i found many new friends from cyber chats, that time only got ICQ# which was popular, the rest like Skype, MSN Messenger or Yahoo Messenger were not coming yet... everyday i chatted by ICQ# that time...

some of new friends i have found thru cyber chats, are available till today, it has been more than 10 years... oh well, most of them are guys as well as married with the kids :) we still contact till now, just that we are busy with our livings!

hmm... back to the topic - - - i was very lonely and very independent that time... unlike my sister, she can't be lonely or what, go where also needs a companion but me? i go where also don't have friends to go together, if got also seldom...

i still remember there was once time after college, i drove old car, yes my late mummy's blue Daihatsu to One Utama shopping mall that time hasn't built the new wing, only old wing. i went shopping alone and having the lunch alone as well...

very lonely eh? i tell ya, i was so lonely until sooo desperated someone to love and care me...

apart from that, i was independently doing all by myself. i also helped my siblings by fetching them to school / the work place when my daddy was not available or away.

looks at my both siblings, they are so far much luckier than me... settle down after everything is satisfied to them. unlike me, i was rushing to get married because of an accident. and the life was totally changed after married and had the first child with him... for those years with the hubs and the first child was not 100% fun although the first child had cheered up my life despite of arguing with the hubs almost everyday!!! that time we were too young and naive... of course i had to tolerante with him a lot since his attitudes were not that so good, always worked up and emotionally arguing with me for no reasons... sometimes beat me too.

oh well, it's the history now...

and sometimes i feel unhappy about myself!!! blame myself sometimes... i also thought it must be something's wrong with myself.

to be continued...


xxx