how many blogs do i have actually? - - -

hmm... i doubt actually because i have many blogs of mine but i can not remember any of them in my list because after one by one, i don't really bother any of them and sticks to one till today. oh well, i still remain the restricted blogs specially for my family story only. the rest, perhaps some of them i had deleted some of them i had neglected...?!

who knows?

anyway i still love blogging ❤️

nah... i think i should have deleted some blogs of mine. perhaps?! let me double-check later - - -  LOL

X

oh dear - - - it has been less than a year plus i don't blog here... how times flied by fast!

finally...

i am really blessed to have Madam as my boss... never expected that she is really an understanding boss. all the while i thought she is fierce and very sided one... but oh boy, was i wrong. she is really kind-hearted...

indeed, i supposed to pass the resign letter for her but it was reversed. after had a long chat, she asked me to keep back the letter and submit the leave letter instead. how happy i was when she mentioned it. i am touched and obviously blessed that i really have a such good boss.

it will be officially i start on leave for one month by next month to study centre's management which she allowed me to do so. at very least my existing job is here in case if anything happens, i still can go back to my current company to resume working as usual.

anyhow, i just hope the business is growing well once i take over. may everything is fine...

xxx

delay no more...

it seems delaying no more and my good colleague, WC asked me...

"have you told your hubby"

i replied, "NO, if i tell him now, there would be more objections, hence i just go ahead without his permissions..."

the time is tougher now and i knew the day would be coming... 

today is public holiday yet we have to work. oh no, i can't delay anymore, i need to make up my mind by hand over the letter. the centre is awaiting me to join as soon as possible.

everything for the centre has done, just left me!!! a matter of timing!!!

looking at my close friends, they are really supporting my decision to join the centre, it is obviously no doubt for me to tender the resignation letter and starts a new life as a person in charge of the centre. yes i am... despite of my unhappy hubby who never agrees on whatever i have done, he can't stop me although he voiced out that i am selfish, never think about him, never discuss with him and etc but i can't take it anymore, if i want i must do for our better life.

otherwise, if i listen to my hubby today and don't go for it, i might be super regret 100% later on. okay, no matter what will happen later, i still determined to go for it...

i just pray HE blesses me in everything, have a surprise and miracle which would happen to me any sooner if the time permits. 

i hope my family changes the mind on me... i am no longer who am i... i am the one who going to fight the own happiness and better life rather than remaining the same living where we are now... 

i wanna the improvement of livings for my family as well as for my children.

because of i am able not providing whatever they want, now i wan provide them as much as i can once i have own one and i wanna give the best for my family and my siblings who always help me a lot in past, i will never forget their helps and supports. i will be there for them whenever they need. 

okay what i need to do is i wanna to change the life into better one...

please...?!!

please give me the strength to change the life.... :)

and....

Madam came already but she went to R&D... :(

she seems busier than me though and i am wondering how would it be when i go to meet Madam out of sudden? perhaps she knew i wanna leaving already?

xxx

oh dear... i am still hesitating - - -

for this very last minute, i still hesitated to hand over the letter although i have prepared the letter since on Monday until now... the letter is here but i am seem to be lost ways to think...

i started to recall the past when i was firm to fight my own and wanna leaving this company. i started to browse the business and etc... and i found the centre in Sri Petaling as i have mentioned in previous entry. oh well, i have the investor this time so i don't need to dig out my money to invest instead to wait the end of year's dividend...

but funnily is when everything is done as my cousin brother had got them done especially setting up SDN BHD, creating the company account and etc. i started to become PANIC...

the most funny when my brother was preparing a document, register as a SDN BHD company, has opened an account for the company. i suddenly felt uneasy and started to feel regret that i was mentally and physically not ready for this.

regret no use. this was already initiated. indeed it is...

the business is there...

just that i need to tender the resignation letter. but i still doubted till now...

weird.

i am so scared.

yet there are many friends support my decision to leave this company and heading the new phrase, starting a OWN business... i knew there's a lot of risks to wait but it's all depending on my hard works.

don't know if my decision to start own business is just right one for myself??!! because since day 1, when my cousin brother spoke with my hubby, he started feeling unhappy and upset, not fully supporting me 100% on my ideas on this. he kept talking that doing business is really a lot of risks and need a lot of responsible to handle this centre. not like me, he thought i am just a playful one... :(

i knew i am kinda playful one but when coming the serious matters, i thought longer and considered for our good futures. i knew there are SURE 100% ups and downs for this but for the very beginning, there are tougher times at time but everything would be fine eventually...

my closer members support me on this but i knew they only can support me and they are not doing this business though so they wouldn't understand how i feel... i am really scared, confused, uneasy and many many troubles in my mind now.... and i don't know how to overcome it...

unless there's at least a person to fully support me, but there's none.

my hubby is kinda "kiasu"... he can't accept the fact that i would start my own business. he totally disagreed. for sure.

my family?

i haven't informed them yet and i don't think they would support my decision... despite of they knew i am currently working still fine but they don't know the real situation that i have encountered now... who else can understand me?

even my hubby spoke, every business can't promise can success or not... every business has risks... but for me, if never try how i would know if it goes well?

like when i first time baked the cupcake, at beginning it was not so good but i polished my skills everyday by baking it, my skills seem to be polished well now... it's just the same basic where we need to apply our skills by practicing...

try and error, yes it is...

but now it's different...

i am about leaving the security job which promises to provide the monthly salary and living in the comfort zone. and IF i really leave this job and heading this business, it might be another story. my income might be lower than my current income and may be handling everything by myself. my current job, just design and design only. everything is already settled by them.

much differences...

so i have to think carefully but if i don't leave this job and remaining the same life style, there's no changes but getting worse years by...

why so?

our salaries really can't saved already, everything needs to be spent... so nothing left for us to save retirement accounts and  i realized that our ages reach at 30an yet we have nothing to save for the future funds yet our children need use a lot of expenses to pay for their next educations eg. secondary, college or University?

that's the point i thought now...

i knew my hubby thought these too but he doesn't seem to try to make more money for now... i asked him once whether is he comfortable with his current job now? he said what to do, everywhere is same... the most important is getting the monthly salary. so do i too but i thought it is no longer working on this method because everyone like me thought to work for people can't be last forever unless the company really provides the good salary and benefits like my friend one now working in Indonesia. obviously he is traveling to every countries to work in construction field which sent by his HQ. his salary almost 50k per month... it's unbelievable and it's no doubt he is enjoying these benefits provided by his current company... the salary can cover his retirement days later. and he is not working in Malaysia though.

how wonderful he is now with this current job. and our salaries now really insufficient and i can't think where we could top up the financial for the end of month everytime we pay bills and etc...

i am going to crazy if this still keeping the same way...

no improvement at all. and my hubby likes to go luxury times such as catching up a movie, going to fast food and etc which i really wanna to cut down but can't...

*SIGHS*

so how?

i am dilemma now...

very very much....

*SAD*

life goes on anyway despite of there's no support from my close family for me.... especially my hubby, he is the most "kiasu" and coward...

:(


xxx

It's Tuesday and I am still DILEMMA.... :(

hard to breathe!!!

oh well, i really hard to breathe now when i went thru much details now...

by now, I can feel the weight of my stresses right now...

oh my... i knew i can't turn back already. i ought to go straight to one point in order to get successful one of these days... despite of the objections from either my hubs or my family...

but...

it is a must for me...

to change a better life, yeah it is...

so now...

i need the MORAL SUPPORTS now...

:'(

anyone?


xxx

feeling miserable - - - #1

i feel so miserable right now. not that first time i have encounter but long long time ago...

and...

i found this is something that i shall not to put too much loves... *long sighs* as a big sister and an eldest daughter in the family... i myself don't know whether do i receive a lot of loves from everyone? sometimes i notice that my both younger siblings, they are indeed blessed much more than me, looking at them... they have good friends, have better livings, and etc which i don't have now after 10 years as i spoke previously, there's no much changes in my life. indeed it is... now i can't blame my hubs or everyone. one thing is i could blame myself for choosing this path! but since i had chosen this path, there's no U-turn anymore. i have to go on my living despite of living in the great pains with silent mode... perhaps after my late mummy passed away that time, i started to be very lonely... very very lonely that time as my dad always outstation every weekends, my brother was busy with his things, his guitar class and etc whilst my sister was busy with her job, her boyfriend and etc. none paid attentions on me that time and everyday after college, i would go home and spending all the time on the cyber chat / internet... very lonely i tell ya!

i found many new friends from cyber chats, that time only got ICQ# which was popular, the rest like Skype, MSN Messenger or Yahoo Messenger were not coming yet... everyday i chatted by ICQ# that time...

some of new friends i have found thru cyber chats, are available till today, it has been more than 10 years... oh well, most of them are guys as well as married with the kids :) we still contact till now, just that we are busy with our livings!

hmm... back to the topic - - - i was very lonely and very independent that time... unlike my sister, she can't be lonely or what, go where also needs a companion but me? i go where also don't have friends to go together, if got also seldom...

i still remember there was once time after college, i drove old car, yes my late mummy's blue Daihatsu to One Utama shopping mall that time hasn't built the new wing, only old wing. i went shopping alone and having the lunch alone as well...

very lonely eh? i tell ya, i was so lonely until sooo desperated someone to love and care me...

apart from that, i was independently doing all by myself. i also helped my siblings by fetching them to school / the work place when my daddy was not available or away.

looks at my both siblings, they are so far much luckier than me... settle down after everything is satisfied to them. unlike me, i was rushing to get married because of an accident. and the life was totally changed after married and had the first child with him... for those years with the hubs and the first child was not 100% fun although the first child had cheered up my life despite of arguing with the hubs almost everyday!!! that time we were too young and naive... of course i had to tolerante with him a lot since his attitudes were not that so good, always worked up and emotionally arguing with me for no reasons... sometimes beat me too.

oh well, it's the history now...

and sometimes i feel unhappy about myself!!! blame myself sometimes... i also thought it must be something's wrong with myself.

to be continued...


xxx

my dreams to stay in Australia permanently... ♥

since small until now i had always longing for migrating to the overseas as well as staying there! i don't wish to live in Malaysia as i prefer the life style there. flexible, peace and happy!

i still remember when i was in college days, i even prepared myself to fly to Australia. that time i was just 20. but something stopped me at that time. perhaps, i couldn't just leave my family or my family might worried sick of me as i live in Australia all alone without any close members. although i have some relatives in Australia but we were not that close because they were my daddy's half brother and family and i barely to call him "uncle" or speak with them when i was small. oh well, just skip this. there's no U-turn anymore :(

apart from that, i also wanted to provide a better education for my children as i knew Malaysia is not able to provide a better promising one. maybe? this is my thought but what i meant is my longing dream to stay in Australia :)

Australia is a country which i really love to... :) plus it is just a neighbor to Malaysia... perhaps it would be either Melbourne, Adelaide or Brisbane. it would be greater if i live nearby Gold Coast... *evil grin*

since i am married to my hubs, everything that i had dreamed is gone! i think my hubs is able not to giving me what i want... there's beyond the limits! and i am not satisfied still after 10 years... and i got nothing... i really thought this is quite wasteful of mine!!!! 10 years spent time with him but nothing to get... instead of arguing for nothing and never had any improvements in 10 years... everything remains the same despite of there is still slightly changing but not 100%... *long sighs, there's a long ways to achieve!!!... *

i think by that time when i am ready to migrate, maybe it would be slightly late for me... but i still hope it would be later than never :)

perhaps it is...

just a thought for now...

xxx

i need a break!!!

i need a break! serious!! i am so tired now...

xxx

a tiring and hectic week!

over this week, i was really busier than usual but my hubs never helped me out unless i nagged him then only he helped out... sad huh? anyway, just ignore this...

this week was really hectic... 1st day of this week (Monday) we went to MBB nearby, to make transfer the KWSP withdraw to my hubs's current account but failed because i forgot to bring the passbook! my hubs was fuming mad!!!

last week, my hubs was nagging and even cursed that if i still do again, he would repays the same! sounded very childish which i was absolutely hate very much! just like the case where he was sick and i left him with the kids to visit either my sister or my daddy previously, he also spoke that when i get sick, he would leave me with the children to go out... i notice he is really childish!!! very narrow-hearted indeed!!!! but, for your information, he was just sick with the running nose, cough and fever... not that even worse, he still can walk and eat by himself. he still mad for this small issue? EXCEPT he is in the hospital, i would be with his side all the time! how come he was sooo irrational! childish!!!!!!!

very stupid of  him!

whatever it is... i am so sick of his stupid attitudes!

following the day which was on 2nd days, we went to MBB again but this time was next to Tesco and gladly that MBB was less people compared to the earliest MBB that we went a day before. oh well, it took half hour to get done. and my hubs was happier that the amount of money had transfered to his current account, of course not for him! that's for our new nest!

and on Thursday i got an appointment with my friend to be a model of her... she learns make up. i needed to go to Sri Petaling where she took course. i told my hubs and he was....

in my mind, why he can't help me and be fair to me?

because when he goes out at night with his friends, i never complain or what, i could just work at home and take care of the children from the dinner, bath time until sleep time. so what he can do when i am not around? he could just spends more on the pc until a very late time and the kids were not bathing and not sleeping yet!!!

this time, when i go out, i even gently reminded him to get the children done before he could has his own leisure time! make sure the children are well prepared already by that time i come home...

oh well, i am so tired today yet it's Saturday half day. working time!!!! stupid!

yesterday i had tried to bake the pavlova but it seemed not successful this time because the meringue was going to be weird! not like as what the recipe showed... *long sighs*


xxx

so stressed!!!!

everyday i am so stressed not only about my working life, but including many things such like my family, my family-in-law, my children, my husband, my "future" business, my siblings, my life, and etc... which drove me a million of NUTS...

i need a break sooooooo much!!!!!!!!!!

arghhh...

i am so stressed when thinking about these. i knew there's nobody would help me for these. only i can help myself but HOW? nobody instructs me to do this and that because they are NOT me and I am NOT them... so we have different thinkings and life as well...

i admitted i am getting tired lately due to many reasons... as i spoke in previous entry, we had bought an unit but it took a long period to get done. perhaps 2 months time?

hmm...

regarding the child care business, it seems a nightmare to me because i don't have a certificate and may be difficult to run this.... :(

don't know shall i chase my dreams?

sometimes it could be joking with me!!!

*facepalm*

oh well, i have always complained about my hubs and his family but now i seem to fed up! don't know why and i feel not right to care about them now... whatever it is...

and my family...

i really don't see there's a warm family though!!!

especially when my daughter gets sick and my daddy complained...

and when my sister's son gets sick, does my daddy complain? i don't see them though. hmm... perhaps my sister's son is not under my parent care so they don't complain that much!...

and i am so sick of coming to work!!! looks at my repeated assignments, i feel like wanna "vomit"...

long sighs...


i am really stressed and nobody understands how i feel now and i could be gonna crazy anytime if too much pressures!!!

:(


xxx

i need a break!!!

either step forward or just remains where I am now...

no answer from the Puchong owner, i roughly guess she is not going to sell me!

xxx

pissed off...

what a Monday Blues, i really pissed off not only with my sister, but everything...

firstly, i wanted to buy the child care centre which is located at Sri Petaling and the owner refused to sell me to know my tight financial and she needs to settle down already after her 3rd operations which is scheduled by today. i just found the post which she re-posted again on last Saturday. i texted her on next day after she re-posted. she apologized and telling me everything. i have no further comments, this is her decision, so up to her, i can't force her although i really keen it...

2ndly, i am very upset with Miss L already... her attitudes really drove me NUTS at times but i just "tahan" because i treat her as a friend not only as a colleague, but she likes to argue with me for a small issue which another people would let it go as we shall update for next publish but she can't take it anymore... this is her problem... as i knew everyone feels peace when Miss L is not around for a week... xoxo

yay, school holiday starts already... wondering where shall we bring the children going to have fun?
i realize that since when we last visited to Genting Highlands? :)

3rdly,  i argued with my ex-colleague, Mr CY thru Skype .. his attitudes really drove me NUTS! made me pissed off with him so much... brainless guy!!! spoiled my day!

4thly, i committed a little sin... i miss another guy apart from my hubs... *faint* oh well, not first time... i started to admire him since secondary school... i think this is a normal thing? perhaps it is...? :)

5thly, my sister...? her manager?? how i suppose to mention here? his non-genuine actions causes the troubles created today between me and my sister... but i can't fully blame her manager though because i was the one who shared my things with him. and he gonna telling my sister about it...  sighs! *face palm* and now i don't know already how to solve this problem? i fed up with my sister and don't feel wanna see her anymore! pissed off!!!

6thly, i feel tired with my current job now... sometimes feel like wanna quit... and chase my dreams :)

can i?



xxx

i hate to cry in front of someone!

I hate myself - - -

I hate myself for doing my own mistakes...

and I can’t make it right...

I hurt people but I don’t notice it, What a DAMN huh?

yay I know I am...

you don’t need to tell me.

But I am happy to be one of the DAMMNEST person in
the world coz I just realize I learned to be a DAMN strong.


xxx

time to plan

time to plan...

fyi, i have been working at my current company for 2 years plus and it doesn't bring much differences for me after years of here. the salary increases a little and it doesn't sufficient for one month though. frankly speaking, every month i get the salary and the salary almost ngam-ngam gone because every daily basics need at least 2k plus to spend! balance of the amount after spend, is insufficient for the another two weeks of end months... do you think it's a good sign? i think it's NOT.

plus, my hubby's job really doesn't give a good promising though. i can't let both of us survive on these amounts from our salaries and we even pick a fight every time we talk about the money. he doesn't contribute some of them for our kids so? doesn't he kiasu though? *faint*

i found something at website, attracted my eyes when looking at this daycare centre, very spacious and colorful... i contacted the owner immediately right after that without any doubts because i am serious about it, plus i had planned to run the daycare centre long time ago. just that the timing and financial are not permitting though... :(

now i can't let it go as it's my GOLD chance to set up my very own although i knew there would be any risks but just believe myself that i can do then everything will goes smoothly... *cross my fingers*


xxx

happy birthday to me

my birthday is today...

happy birthday to me :)

my wishes are simpler!!!

i hope everything is good... look at bright side... i want to be a new brand of myself!

xxx

happy new year :: happy new anne ;)